Love, Your Little Bird
by sailorraven34
Summary: Zero Hour from Raven's perspective. One-shot. Rated T because Raven's childhood sucked.


**In which I attempt to write something serious for once… let's see how this goes, shall we?**

**Semi-kinda inspired from the feels I get from the Madoka Magica soundtrack, specifically watch?v=QSnu1lcirYs&list=PLC6lcrVIGg6r1umW9w1qvsLtTyZTKXoNw&index=12**

She is running, running, running through the cold dark mist that surrounds her and encircles her and is somehow inside of her, because her deepest, darkest secrets have spilled out of the neat little boxes she keeps them in and are all over the floor.

Max isn't going to like that.

Someone is talking but it echoes so much she can't understand them. She is entirely focused two other, stronger voices that tug at her chest for reasons she can't quite identify in this moment.

"You're it!"

"Aw… no fair, my shoe fell off!"

"Tolya? Dimitri?" she screams, rounding a corner of the dark maze to find more of the same waiting on the other side. She's forgetting something, isn't she? Something important…

"I'm going to get you!" The voices are getting further and further away, and she's out of breath. _Weak. Sloppy. Soft._

"Wait for me!" she calls, tripping over her own feet and falling towards the floor. But there's nothing there and she just keeps going and going and going-

A hand encircles her waist and a familiar chin jabs into her shoulder. She cries out and tries to fight but he is too strong, just as he always is. Even now she isn't good enough, she will never be good enough.

"I have a very important lesson for you today." he whispers in her ear.

"Let go of me!" She thrusts her elbows back but gets only air. The shadow Furan grabs both her wrists and everything flips sideways. She's eleven again, flat on her back with her head half on, half off the pillows, and he's heavy on top of her, breathing hard-

A sudden moment of clarity- she's at the school, and she's pointing a gun at Max's head. What? _No. No. No-_

"_Miss_." hisses a voice and she goes under again. This time she's four, back in the apartment with Sasha, her mother's lip gloss from her parting kiss still tacky on one cheek.

_Mama, remember me, your little bird? You said you were just going out to buy vodka and tampons, remember? You said you'd let me have a sip next time, because I was a big girl? _

_Mama, where are you? The food's running out and Sasha won't stop crying. You said I had to take care of him, that I was a big sister now, but I don't know what to do._

_Mama, I don't understand what's going on. My tummy won't stop growling and I keep seeing things that aren't there. I can't get the door open. Come back, Mama._

_Mama, Sasha's blue and he's so still. He won't wake up. Help me, Mama._

_Mama, I don't understand where you went and I'm scared. Mama, come back. _

_Mama, I can't get up onto the sink to drink out of the faucet and Sasha won't wake up. Please don't hit me again, I did the best I could…_

She was dying when they finally found her. She wishes she had died then, still a child, still blissfully unaware of the way the world treated people like her.

She's alone now, no shadows or little boys, just her and the darkness. Her neck prickles and she turns around. There's no one there but she hears laughter and it makes her clench her fists and scream at nothing.

Darkness.

It's lonely here. She wants someone to play with. Where is Max? He said he'd find her. He said always.

_Anastasia Furan sends her regards. She wanted you to know that this is for Elena. _She remembers practicing the words over and over again, trying not to throw up with nerves. It's her first mission, after all, and there are a thousand and one ways it could go wrong….

The laughter again.

"I empathize with the Count of Monte Cristo. While solitary confinement sucks, it is a very good environment for plotting revenge." Why is she talking out loud? No one can hear her. "I love you, Mitya." Her fingers tap nervously against the floor, which feels strangely like Jell-O for some reason. She giggles and bounces up and down. "I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you-"

She breaks the surface.

"Raven," Malpense is staring at her and her _head_. It feels like the time Furan slammed it into the refrigerator. Is he talking? She can't focus. Something about Animus… what's an Animus? She's supposed to know…

Down into the Jell-O she goes. It's getting easier and easier each time…

_Look at me, Mama. You always said I was so stubborn. But I'm learning. I know how to give up, now. It's not so hard…_

Dimitri takes her hands. "Natalya-"

"I'm not Natalya anymore." This is true. Natalya died a very, very long time ago. Now she is a ghost in her master's head. Raven is in charge now.

"Raven." The word sounds strange, coming from him. She was Natalya back then. She likes it better when Max says her name. "Raven…"

Dimitri isn't her Dimitri, he's grown up and wearing a suit and a blue tie. She likes men in suits. It makes her smile.

They kiss. It feels nice, not like what really happened. What really happened-

She doesn't think about it. Not now, not ever.

"Come with me." Dimitri says. "Let it go. Let it all go and come with me…"

"Am I dead, Mitya?" she whispers. "Is this hell?"

_Mama, they said Sasha went to heaven. Where's heaven? How can I get there too?_

"Come with me." he says more forcefully, and something about it registers as Not Right_._ His grip is too hard and too cold and she doesn't like it and she tries to break away but she can't and there is red everywhere, not blood for once but a brighter shade and then all of the sudden

she

isn't

anywhere

Pain hits her like a wave and Dimitri lets go of her in shock.

"No!" he yells, and he is Dimitri again. "Don't go, Nat! Stay here with me… please…"

But above her somewhere she hears Nero's voice say "Wait," and she can tell he is in so much pain and she has to save him because that is her job, because she is an angel now…

Reality burns.

She is screaming, and then not anymore, just taking in gulps of sweet, sweet air. She is crying. Why is she crying? _Maxmaxmaxmaxmaxmaxmax… he is the priority. Eyes on the prize. The target. No, not the target._

Anastasia Furan sends her regards.

_Figure it out._ snaps Furan in her head. _Are you stupid?_

_Shut up!_ She figures it out and looks around and the first thing she sees is him and _oh my god I've killed him-_

"Max?" she whispers. "My God, what have I done?"

Nero kneels in front of her, one hand still covering the wound in his gut.

"It wasn't you, Natalya." he says, placing his other hand on her cheek. "It wasn't you."

She stares at him. It would be so easy to say it, but the last time she let those three words pass her lips, all she got was a wasted bullet.

So instead, she just starts talking, not even really paying attention to what she is saying. All the meanwhile, she is closing up the boxes until another time. Goodbye Sasha, goodbye Dimitri, goodbye Pietor, goodbye Tolya, goodbye Natalya.

The last one doesn't really want to go.

Come on, can't I come and play sometimes? she whines, scuffing her shoes back and forth. Little brat.

_No._

Natalya sticks out her tongue. You can't hide me forever. she says. I'm just as much a part of you as the boys.

_I don't need you anymore_. Raven tells her younger self, which is a lie. She needs Natalya. She _loves_ Natalya. Natalya holds her hand on the bad nights, when her head is about to split open from the nightmares. Natalya tells her stories when she is bored out of her mind. Natalya keeps her girls away from the pale, perfect flesh on her wrists…

Natalya smiles mockingly, still refusing to go back into the box. She sighs inaudibly and turns away.

Fanchu and Trinity are talking, as though she can't hear them.

_Mama, can you see me now? I grew up, Mama. I had to grow up real fast. _

_I tried to stay at the children's home, Mama. But the man who said call me teacher touched me and I didn't like it. So I ran away onto the streets, and they found me, Mama. My new mommy and daddy found me and they brought me home._

_My home burned, Mama. I made sure of it._

_I don't cry about Sasha anymore, Mama. And I tried vodka and I didn't like it very much. And I know that you ran away from me, and you were hit and killed by a drunk driver ten days later._

_You deserved it, Mama. Shame on you for leaving your little bird alone._

She stands and follows after Nero. She can almost hear the soft tapping of Natalya's bare feet as small invisible fingers reach for her hand and squeeze before disappearing into thin air.

**I have ideas for continuing this, so if you like it and want more please tell me in the box below…**


End file.
